other side

some days I slip to the other side;
short hair, flat chest and button down shirts
can be all it takes to pass as a guy.
its often in bars, restaurants, cafes:
places where nobody knows my name,

and when it happens i notice
something slide away
that i didn't even know
i was still wearing today.
a protective coat,
made of two tones
woven close warp and weft,
weighing down my shoulders,
sits tight around my chest.

one tone is polite and meek:
wont ask a lot, don't mind me,
won't take up space,
always ready to appease,
tense muscles make non-threatening face.

the other tone is opposite:
tilt up chin, rigid back,

like putting on an armoured rack
to make them take me seriously,

listen up when I speak;
and don't act surprised
when it's clever, what i said.
and step aside when we pass in the street,
and pass the ball on the football pitch
without just checking out my ass
or expecting i'll fuck up.

so when I sit here in others' eyes
not as a girl, but a guy --
when I take off this coat,
the balancing act
of trying to be nice
and trying to be tough --

I can suddenly relax.

like I don't need to try;
 I've got plenty of time.
face is calm, muscles drop,
pressure loosens round my throat
so even my voice lowers a notch.

and I can't believe the difference
on this side of the fence:
unspoken permission,
a great big yes,
to demand what I need,
no apology,

and i already know

you respect what i think.

and this confidence is just the calmer side
of the magic power that lies behind: aggression.
I can grab, I can shove
I can shoot, I can run.
don't tell me it's just testosterone.

a class of human taught to look nice,
to please others; their needs come first.
a class of human born to riches,
taught that everything they've got, they deserve.

if two classes are told
from an early age
that these are the rules
by which we play,
and everything they ever meet
says those roles are reality,
then how are they ever going to wake up?
and would they ever hang up their shoes?

well I'm lucky I can choose
to walk on the other side;
not many people can.
but there's things about those shoes
that i don't like.
so here's my chance:
to make a different masculinity:
not one that wants to grab her by the pussy.